I am adamant about not counting days. This was my first journal entry after stopping drinking. I figure if sharing helps just one person, then I will share.
I have experienced my last hangover!
I had my last drink, and I am now a non-drinker!
I am so excited. In addition to the revelation I had about my codependent sister’s influence on my drinking (when she told me to stop “for her” because she wanted me available to her “twenty-four/seven” and likely knew full well that was the surefire way to keep me, a rebellious independent person, drinking), I am now finding just how easy over the next few days or weeks it’ll be when the little monster perks up with its empty feeling wanting to be fed – just like that codependent sister who feeds on the business of others.
Any addiction is exactly the same as continuing a toxic relationship! So, at this point, the alcohol was the last of the unholy trinity: sister, cigarettes & booze. It occurred to me as I was finishing up Allen Carr’s book, Stop Drinking Now, that I can give that “little monster” a name, and it is Kitty! Just like when I stopped smoking, when the thought would arise, I’d bask in my freedom, and say, “I’d just as soon smoke a cigarette as sit across the table from Kitty!”
Kind of like, I’d rather stick needles in my eyes. I never have to deal with that mortal enemy again. When the little monster rears up and makes a demand on me, I can even envision starving it, killing it; letting it fade to nothingness. And it feels great to call it “the kitty”. And as I starve it, it’ll get smaller and “itty.” It may sound mean, but it really is the kindest thing I can do for myself and it. In fact, it feels like forgiveness to me.
I wrote that in the afternoon.
It’s now past 6:30. At cocktail time I happily toasted my alcohol free cocktail with Jim’s beer. The kitty hasn’t even made an appearance tonight! I’m free! Yeah!
Last night was a breeze. Had a wonderful chat with a friend and remember every word. I did stay up late reading, and got up a few times in the night. Heck, my nightime body is not used to being hydrated like this. So far, that little kitty monster has left me alone. This morning I was reminding myself of my plan to kill it. This is not a violent or aggressive plan; this is a defensive plan. I am prepared if it dares to so much as whisper or whine. I am prepared to tell it to go fuck itself. Nobody’s gonna tell me what to do! Ha! That’s my core story, and I’m sticking to it. I am prepared.
During my morning run a few things occurred. I feel so good and free I want to herald it to the world. But that would not be a smart thing to do. Although one day to me is as good as a lifetime, it is not to the beasts, it is not to the kittys. To them, it’s not proven; it’s still on shaky ground, and there’s no way to explain how perfectly spontaneously done I am, so I’ll just keep my mouth shut. It really is none of their business.
The kitty, that sneaky feline that comes up and rubs against you and then sinks its claws into you when you’re not looking. Insidious like this: I’m smiling and thinking how happy and powerful I’m feeling, and the kitty monster slinks in and says, “ya, but what if there’s a bad situation, huh? You think you’ll be all cool with that?” That’s how sneaky that bitch is, just always trying to steal my joy. But I’m on to you, little kitty monster. You will not be fed.
Things I learned:
1. All addiction is the same. The thing you imbibe in to fill the “need” is the thing that creates the need in the first place.
2. Now that I am a non-drinker, codependents and drinkers alike can see my not drinking as something to be treated delicately like “my problem” or a disease. The truth is I just got rid of a problem. Interesting that culture sees not drinking like you have a problem, so with people like the kitty, you’ve got “a problem” either way, damned if you do; damned if you don’t. They can all go fuck themselves.
3. What does any strong independent person do when told to change his or her ways? The opposite. Addicted people are the most strong willed people on the planet.
4. It doesn’t take willpower to stop an addiction. All it takes is seeing through the illusions, seeing where the brainwashing happens.
5. All you really have to do is Starve the Fucking Monster. STFM