When I was starting on this journey to stop drinking it was not an emergency, no rock bottom here, it was just a building of knowing I wanted to change. I wanted to feel good. I wanted to be whole. I wanted to be cool with myself! I had a deep longing to be able to relax naturally. Heck, I had to remind myself to breathe half the time. And then there was huge resistance because a codependent, viciously jealous family member had made my drinking her business – but that’s another story altogether, though it’s worth mentioning because just writing that brought about the physical sensation at the bottom of much of this.
And only now do I realize that all that drinking was merely a coping mechanism of unconsciously trying to not feel anything at all!
Early on I did some work with Scott Kiloby as he was writing his book, Natural Rest for Addiction. I did a lot of work deconstructing a bunch of false constructs around drinking, but I still drank.
Scott will be the first to tell you that his whole process has been evolving now for a number of years. He is a very generous guy, and has been sharing his developments as he went along. Last year he even opened the Kiloby Center for addiction recovery in Palm Springs, CA. I had visions of taking a couple of weeks and going there, but finances and work commitments wouldn’t allow for that. And even bigger than that, there was this stigma – this vision of not being in control, and giving in to being helped, surrendering to it, which really isn’t my style.
One time Scott contacted me and said he now takes health insurance, to which I replied, “I’d never let the insurance industry in on my gig.” No addiction disease thing on my record. In no way would I ever allow my “thing” to be taken up by the “healthcare” industry. I had to do this my way.
I have come to understand that addictions are all wrapped up with other stuff. In my case there’s a huge forgiveness factor there. There’s a huge need to let go of stuff I’ve been clinging to.
But how can you let go when it’s not clear exactly what it is that is sticking? I meditate silently almost every day, and this has been key to feeling those feelings – but I still hadn’t put 2 & 2 together. This morning that question was answered. It’s all in the body!
Of course I was intellectually aware of the places where I need work – to forgive long standing infractions of certain others; to forgive that shitty feeling I get when I see certain things on social media, when my book isn’t selling, when I’m not making art like I “should”, when I feel any envy at all… A really big part of this healing is to become aware when those sensations arise deep in the body (those same sensations we tried to squash with ethanol) – for me especially at the 5th chakra, the throat, the place of choice, and down to my very open and vulnerable heart.
It is just amazing how the synchronicities have been happening.
A few weeks ago I ran across this video with Wayne Dyer and Nick Ortner about tapping for forgiveness, and I’ve been doing it every time my big one pops in. The tapping part starts at 15:40 in the video. http://www.thetappingsolution.com/2016VideoSeries/wayne-dyer/
BUT, there was one piece of this that I hadn’t realized until this morning when I woke up to this from Scott Kiloby.
Don’t Be Fooled – The Body is the Key (link to audio)
I am in awe of how the Greater Intelligence has lined up (taking its own sweet time… :-)) to help me see my way here to new understanding – to the missing piece of the puzzle. And that missing piece is where any insecurities about failure or falling back down the slippery slope may occur, where the forgiveness needs to happen – first in the body. If we can bring awareness to those deep physical sensations when they occur (always accompanied by a thought, word or picture) we are mining – mining for gold and tapping (literally!) into the mother lode.