#14 It’s all in the body – “down there”

Here’s a little diary of the mining & Tapping I did in the first few days.  I’m laying myself bare here.
Now knowing that much of my drinking was to NOT FEEL, this has been a really big part of my healing.
I had a big Ah Ha this morning when I first listened to Scott’s audio Don’t Be Fooled – The Body is the Key. I listened, saw, heard and tapped though the half hour, and it was good, but I know I only skimmed the surface.
Today’s mining mainly dealt with the biggest hateful, hurtful violator/abuser/gossip/bully/joy stealer that’s ever been in my life, and who caused huge stickiness that lasted for years. The body stuff was pretty high in the heart and throat and shoulders. I named the name out loud many times, and let the hearing of it really bring up the sensation as I saw picture after picture, and mined that physical feeling resulting from being bullied and violated. I was tapping hard!
During my silent 20 minutes I mined and tapped a few times more when stuff would come up (or actually I got down into it). Normally during meditation, when a useless or unwanted or invasive thought form would come through, I’d just gently blow it out with my breath. Now I am going deep and feeling it from its source in my chest and throat, attaching it to the words and pictures, naming names, and tapping, and then breathing. I am committed to finding the time to do this at least once a day for the next few days, as I am seeing immediate results.  I’m lighter!
It’s all in the body -“down there”
The reason you seek (or drink) is because you are avoiding the stuff in the body. It’s the basis of all addiction, this looking forward to something beyond the present feeling “down there” in body. Even how we look at what’s going on in the body from above in the head says volumes about our disconnection…
Scott Kiloby recommends inviting the sensation in, telling it you love it and welcoming it to stay. When I was doing this I thanked it for being my teacher.
Today’s mining: a barrage of people who made or make me feel put upon. Users, codependents, invaders, gossips, uninvited people, manipulators, abusers, VIOLATORS, one-by-one appeared all generating one sensation – VIOLATION! Violators – people who try to obstruct my free will. People who have tried to “drive me” and control me.  Users and abusers.
Who is this all about?  I name names out loud, see those pictures, and take no prisoners. It’s amazing how naming brought about a history of violators right down from the manipulating gossiping codependent controller to the twiddling babysitter sexual abuser. I felt much lighter after tapping that whole menagerie of violators.
What is this all about? As far as I can tell, it’s all about independence. All of the violators shared one thing in my depths, they tried to control me, use me, manipulate me. They, in one way or another, exploited my generous nature and open-hearted vulnerability, not to mention my innocence and naiveté. They did things to me that I couldn’t or was unable to control.
During my meditation I named a few names and tapped a few times when stuff came up. Interestingly, the feeling of being a pawn came up in relation to my husband and our plans for the future, where I feel like I really don’t have a choice but to go along. I’m not saying his ideas are wrong or I am being railroaded, I’m just saying there’s something really deep that wants to have more say; it wants to have more control. And the sensation is deeper down in my body.
Another realization I’ve had today is this: Facebook is a literal garden of opportunities to practice mining. See a picture, feel the feeling (in my case it’s often images of people who are creating beautiful art when I should be, or somebody is in a beautiful place spending bountiful disposable income when I’m not and don’t have, me posting something I feel important, and being ignored – you get the picture). What a gold mine!
In fact, the wanting attention thing drilled right down deep into my guts to “Thanks, Mom” when I saw and felt myself as a baby rhythmically rocking my crib across the room just wanting some connection, some attention.
Cool. Especially cool, as synchronistically, earlier today I stumbled upon this video: Everything We Know About Addiction is Wrong that theorizes that it’s not necessarily the substance but the lack of connection that creates the need for the substance.
With the possibility that addiction is caused by lack of connection, I have to modify my stance just a bit.  When I was making a game of starving the little monster (not feeding my addiction), one of the things that made stopping ethanol easy was the understanding that the substance itself creates the hole it claims to fill.  Just stop feeding it, and it dies. And it does!
I suppose I can amend that to: It’s the substance itself that creates a false sense of filling a hole that was already there, and creates an even bigger more complicated hole that tries to be filled with that same substance.

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